I love my little den.  I've got 7 boys, nearly 100% participation, all with rank.  They run around like a group of puppies, falling over their too-big feet.  Bright eyed and curious.  All with different personalities.  We're doing great, right?  Uh wrong…

Tonight, after a rousing kickball game in which my little guys all earned their BL, I packed up all of my gear and started heading to my car. 

One of the dads followed me, "Emily, do you have a second?  We need to talk." (I know full well that nothing great ever starts out with those words.)

"Sure what's up."

"Ethan loves cub scouts.  Really loves it.  But we're thinking about having to move to a different pack."

Okay, I say nothing.  I'm a little shocked.  I just stand there, staring at him, until he decides to continue. "It's Brad. He's horrible to Ethan.  He picks on him constantly.  Teases him. Makes him cry. Ethan comes home crying."

"Home from school or scouts?"

"Both but it's the worst here.  They are in the same small group at scouts…  I know it's partially due to Ethan being so sensitive."

"Well sure, Ethan is a sensitive little guy, but Brad picks on everyone.  I know that. I just didn't know it was such a big problem for Ethan."

"Well, I told Ethan's mom that I thought you could fix it.  That way we won't have to leave.  Ethan can stay here."

"Okay, I'll try.  We've had this problem before but Brad was being physically aggressive.  We made the rule that if he touched anyone, he'd have to go home.  It hasn't been a problem since then, but, I'm not exactly sure how we'll handle this."

"Great, I really wanted to see if you could work it all out."

As I stand there, kickball in hand, chewing my lip, Dad gives me a half-smile, calls Ethan over, and heads home.

And I stood there thinking, and feeling sad. 

As a *mother* I must say that I don't like Brad.  He's a bully.  I have requested that Will not be placed in his class. He won't be coming to my house for playdates.

As his *den leader* I feel for Brad.  In August, I wasn't sure that I'd be able to see him as one of my boys.  Now, he is.  I know that he's a mess.  I know that he's got massive problems, so much so that his mother worries about him handling school. She worried about having to pull him out into a private, more structured school. I know that his dad isn't terribly responsible, and sometimes leaves Brad hanging. Or makes bad choices for them both. I know that Brad isn't as quick at things as his den mates. Everything takes him a few minutes longer to get. He gets so frustrated 'cause his best is never quite as accomplished as everyone else's best. I know that he's full of anger, and can't quite figure out how to channel it.

And I adore Ethan, who is far too sensitive for his own good. He's always ready to put the sign up when he feels the room is too noisy or chaotic. He's always willing to listen to his denmates and waits patiently for his turn to share. He's one of those kids that wants to come sit in your lap when you are telling stories, and looks so disappointed when you say that we don't do that in cub scouts. (YPT can make the natural mom instincts so difficult.) He just can't ignore the insults. He bruises so easily, and so he's a perfect target, unlike the rest of the boys in our den.

So now the problem has come to a head, andI knew it was a problem.  Just not that it was this big of a problem.  I'm just not convinced that I can make it work for both boys. I can try the "one strike you're out" rule, so he leaves meetings immediately upon bullying. Deep down, what I'm scared of is that Brad has less capacity for change than does Ethan. I'm not sure his personality is fixable, which means that one of them is going to be lost, at least to my unit.

Thoughts?

(BTW, I changed the names.)

You are torn how to handle it, as a DL will handle a situation differently than a CC…and you are both.

Sit both families down, explain the situation. Make notes on the boys faces. See how they react, if they make eye contact, fidget or threatening eyes…you know the signs. 

Brad is a bully…period. If Ethan leaves, Brad wins. And it may empower him to bully another kid. Then what? Brad is still a problem, but now your unit, yes unit, is going to start suffering. Parents won't have the faith in you that you truly can take care of a situation, and that can hurt your program, big time.

There are so many factors here, that I can't begin to tell you an exact plan of action, but put yourself as the CC, not the DL. You stated yourself, he is a bully, picks on everyone, you wouldn't have him for a playdate, etc….This scout is not being scoutly. He is still "one of your boys"…I get that. He's slow…I get that, too. He is angry…once again, I get that.

What does mom say? What does dad say? It sounds like they are making excuses…enough excuses, now is the time for action. If you need a quick and dirty answer, Brad leaves…you know that he isn't doing your den, your pack or yourself any good. Excuse him for the rest of the school year, and see how that works out. Address it again in the fall…

In the meantime, use this as a learning tool for all scouts…talk about bullying, acting out. Use it in the committee to learn how to deal with these scouts. Try to find the silver lining in this…

But remember, keeping Ethan mentally strong is the key here…

Ah, this one is still playing out.  I talked to both parents, but it was the end of the school year.  I'm not sure that Brad is coming back, as his mother is really overwhelmed with him, and his father is out of the picture right now. 

The school year is starting up again, so we'll see how it pans out.